Here Goes Nothing

I just recently read a quote that says "Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself".  This contradiction makes total sense to me.  Contradictions have always made sense to me.  Take me for example....I am a 40 year old woman and a 16 year old girl.  I believe in destiny, yet ignore it when it knocks on my door.  I can walk away and refuse to let go..simultaneously.  I am a woman begging for faith, crippled by logic.  I am scared to death of loneliness and stubbornly independant..also simultaneously.  I am, at this very moment, wondering how many other people feel the same, exact way; but convinced that no one does because, I alone, am an island.  Perhaps I'm nuts or perhaps it's just the Gemini in me.  I don't know.  I don't know much at this place in life, which is why I'm writing.  I've always wanted to write; it's actually number one on my bucket list.  So here goes nothing....maybe if I write and write, I will receive some epiphany or just some peace.  More than likely, if I'm lucky, I'll just receive some feedback that makes sense to me and makes me smile.  I think I may be looking for some sort of renewal or cleansing or something, but I'm not sure.  It just might be that I get nothing but a blank space to ramble on.  Of course, incessant writing could help.  It worked for the "Eat Pray Love" lady.  At any rate, I'm giving it a shot.

So, here's my question:  Is anyone else such a contradiction?  All my life, I could never just settle on where I fit.  I'm not sure if it's that way with everyone or just me.  Growing up, my perception of people was that they fit neatly wherever they were and they fit there all the time.  You know, like in high school, the preps dated the preps and the Ag crowd only listened to country music.  They did what they did and they were happy doing it because they found their nitch.  If you're wondering why I really care about what people did in high school, I don't.  It's just that I envy everyone who has found their nitch and is happy being there, as it is all these contradictive thoughts and behaviors that leaves me...well, nowhere.  I think it's this inability to just "be" or rather "be one way" that has led to countless bad choices.  So I'm wondering, is it hard sometimes for anyone else to just "be"?   Is your head and heart constantly at war?  I'm not sure, actually, if it involves the heart at all; just a crazy head.  But, do you look at others and think, "It seems so easy for them to settle into their life......and I am STILL reeling?"

Perhaps it's magnified because I am a single mom living smack in the middle of suburban soccer-mom, keep up with the Jones', private lessons, club this and club that, Booster Club schmoozing Georgetown, Texas.  Again with the contradiction...I am the girl who wanted to live in NY and the woman who settled in Georgetown.  I have considered moving back to my old stomping grounds in the eclectic part of Austin, but that wouldn't satisfy me either....because the Llano County part of me thinks Austin IS actually a little weird now.  So, where does a girl turn to for the basic desire to settle in, find her nitch?  I don't know, obviously.  So, I'm gonna write and write and think and over think, because I AM lost.  And maybe, just maybe, the saying is true and I WILL find myself on the twisted road to ME.