The Six Year Compromise

COMPROMISE, according to Websters is both a noun and a verb.  Used in the noun form, "a setttlement by mutual concessions"; used as a verb, "the act of settling by a compromise".  The entire word is made up of the pre-fix COM, meaning, "together" and PROMISE, defined as "to give an assurance of".  I suppose it's safe to say that a compromise is a mutual agreement.  Indeed, COMPROMISE has brought about many life-altering moments in history.  President John F. Kennedy made a COMPROMISE on his vice-presidential candidate.  It has been said that he would not have been elected without the influence of Lyndon Johnson on the southern states.  The great COMPROMISE of 1850 held at bay the inevitable Civil War for a few more years, keeping peace and states intact, if only for a little while.  Each and every day, COMPROMISE builds empires, bails out businesses and saves marriages.

I, myself, have had some life-altering experiences with COMPROMISE.  Ah, but sometimes this word is a cautionary tale.  You see, there are some other definitions that Websters gives, again used as a noun, "an endangering or exposure to danger".  The other use as a verb, describes "to make a dishonorable or shameful concession."  I can now add to my list of valuable lessons, "The Six Year Compromise".  Let me start by saying this is the cautionary tale of compromise that I spoke of.  For roughly the last six years, I have compromised in numerous relationships.  Inconsequential ones with obnoxious softball coaches,  other parents, co-workers, etc....I suppose they're not necessarily inconsequential, just not terribly important in the whole scheme of things.  I have, though, compromised in a most crucial relationship:  The one with myself.  Don't get me wrong...I've been strongly nudged along as a result of other relationships.  But in the end, it falls on me.  After all, the only person each one of us can fix is ourselves.

For most of my life, I really was a bit of a compromise "virgin", so to speak.  I was eight years older than my brother, so there was never much compromising in our house.  I was older and I won.  As a teenager, my parents didn't require much compromising, as my Dad was working or sleeping and my poor Mom was busy "pleasing" both my brother and I.  That's how they loved us.  But, anyways, that's a completely different blog for another day.  By the time I reach my twenties, "compromise" may as well be a foreign word.  I mean, even the most selfless of us cease to compromise in our twenties.  During these years, I had lots of boyfriends; some serious, some not.  One of them became the father of my child and not once in that entire relationship, can I recall a compromise.  Looking back, it would not have even been possible to so much as stumble upon a compromise with him, as there was no mutual respect.

So, my twenties end gloriously.  I was a single mother (and I'm actually not being sarcastic..it was glorious).  I am in love with my daughter and completely content.  My cup was full.  I was supremely satisfied.  These were, indeed, my favorite years, thus far.  Of course, there wasn't a whole lot of compromising going on.  Then, at the age of 34, began my "Six Year Compromise".  It started out well enough.  I was ready!  I mean, I had spent some time pondering the recipe for successful relationships...I decided that the secret ingredients were love and COMPROMISE.  Ok, so after some time, I find that I actually have that first secret ingredient (the L one) and I am completely ready to do whatever it takes to make this dish work, so I COMPROMISE.  Now mind you, in my mind, compromising means "I'll wash and you dry" or "I'll do the laundry, you wash the car" or possibly, "I'd like Indian, but we can do tacos, if you'd like."  Of course, others' idea of compromise is often, "You wash AND dry and I'll watch".  And, here's my light bulb moment!!  COMPROMISE is not always a COM-PROMISE (mutual agreement).  But hey, no sweat, I've got it.....it's all about the COMPROMISE.....and I am determined to get really good at the COMPROMISE business and relationship business, while I'm at it.  And I did.  I became an expert at COMPROMISE (not COM-PROMISE, because that takes 2).   It started with the small stuff and grew to the really big stuff.....me.  I have spent a lot of time compromising what I want for my future.  This is just a detour, of course.  As long as I am living, the future is still here to be had.  I spent an exorbitant amount of hours compromising my truths.  I listened as perceptions were potrayed as my words and my words were lost in another's perceptions.  This is a bit worse than a detour, but recoverable, nonetheless.  I learned to just compromise.  But here's where it gets tricky.....I began to compromise the entire essence of who I was.  The girl who traipsed off to the Mayan ruins with her six year old, some sunscreen and a Mexican cab driver ceased to exist.  Gone was that adventurous woman who took her daughter to leave something for good luck on the grave of Marie Laveaux, following a day of crawfish and Cajun fellowship in the French Quarter.  She was replaced by someone that searched the mirror for lines on her 30-something face, as the "old" comments will do that to a person.  Standing in the place of the Shawna that I once knew and loved was this stranger, plagued with the knowledge that anyone that loved her could surely find something more positive to say than "Is that what you're wearing?" Yet she was hellbent on compromising.  After the compromised truths came the compromised pride.  Now, before I get the "pride is sinful" speech, just listen.  I'm not talking about admitting you're wrong here.  The pride I'm speaking of is the kind that encompasses those things I spoke of:  essence, truth and self.   Giving up this pride allowed this vague resemblance of the "woman that once was" to literally invade my beloved PERSON.  You see, here's where COMPROMISE moves from the norm to "I'll take your heart AND soul and keep it for a while, then I'll share it with your neighbor and mine, and hell, anybody else that wants a piece"  This is where COMPROMISE becomes that other definition, "exposure to danger".  And this is where I learn to COMPROMISE on what I'm willing to COMPROMISE.

I have come to a happy medium in my willingness to compromise and with whom I am willing to compromise.  You see, I still believe that COM-PROMISE (mutual agreement) is one of the secret ingredients to any happy relationship, be it professional, romantic, friendly, etc.....  But, in the future, I'll keep myself, thank you very much.  So, my friends, I have reached a fork in the twisted road to me.  Alas, I did not succumb to the afore-mentioned detour.  However, I think I'm gonna pay more attention to the road signs from now on...... before accumulating too much mileage.

Here Goes Nothing

I just recently read a quote that says "Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself".  This contradiction makes total sense to me.  Contradictions have always made sense to me.  Take me for example....I am a 40 year old woman and a 16 year old girl.  I believe in destiny, yet ignore it when it knocks on my door.  I can walk away and refuse to let go..simultaneously.  I am a woman begging for faith, crippled by logic.  I am scared to death of loneliness and stubbornly independant..also simultaneously.  I am, at this very moment, wondering how many other people feel the same, exact way; but convinced that no one does because, I alone, am an island.  Perhaps I'm nuts or perhaps it's just the Gemini in me.  I don't know.  I don't know much at this place in life, which is why I'm writing.  I've always wanted to write; it's actually number one on my bucket list.  So here goes nothing....maybe if I write and write, I will receive some epiphany or just some peace.  More than likely, if I'm lucky, I'll just receive some feedback that makes sense to me and makes me smile.  I think I may be looking for some sort of renewal or cleansing or something, but I'm not sure.  It just might be that I get nothing but a blank space to ramble on.  Of course, incessant writing could help.  It worked for the "Eat Pray Love" lady.  At any rate, I'm giving it a shot.

So, here's my question:  Is anyone else such a contradiction?  All my life, I could never just settle on where I fit.  I'm not sure if it's that way with everyone or just me.  Growing up, my perception of people was that they fit neatly wherever they were and they fit there all the time.  You know, like in high school, the preps dated the preps and the Ag crowd only listened to country music.  They did what they did and they were happy doing it because they found their nitch.  If you're wondering why I really care about what people did in high school, I don't.  It's just that I envy everyone who has found their nitch and is happy being there, as it is all these contradictive thoughts and behaviors that leaves me...well, nowhere.  I think it's this inability to just "be" or rather "be one way" that has led to countless bad choices.  So I'm wondering, is it hard sometimes for anyone else to just "be"?   Is your head and heart constantly at war?  I'm not sure, actually, if it involves the heart at all; just a crazy head.  But, do you look at others and think, "It seems so easy for them to settle into their life......and I am STILL reeling?"

Perhaps it's magnified because I am a single mom living smack in the middle of suburban soccer-mom, keep up with the Jones', private lessons, club this and club that, Booster Club schmoozing Georgetown, Texas.  Again with the contradiction...I am the girl who wanted to live in NY and the woman who settled in Georgetown.  I have considered moving back to my old stomping grounds in the eclectic part of Austin, but that wouldn't satisfy me either....because the Llano County part of me thinks Austin IS actually a little weird now.  So, where does a girl turn to for the basic desire to settle in, find her nitch?  I don't know, obviously.  So, I'm gonna write and write and think and over think, because I AM lost.  And maybe, just maybe, the saying is true and I WILL find myself on the twisted road to ME.